Headlines at The Tuber
Ron and Rand Paul Decry Government Controls
Kichiguy reporting
Washington, D.C. - Congressman Ron Paul (R-Texas) and his son senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) have introduced bills into the House and Senate, respectively, to eliminate funding for the U.S. Naval Observatory. Citing the parallels between the U.S. government taking the dollar off the gold standard, the Libertarian duo has expressed a concern that the government has entirely too much control over the time and the government of manipulating the time in an irresponsible manner similar to the way the Federal Reserve is printing money to help pay for government expenses. They want the U.S. to switch to "natural" solar time.
Sporting a Flintstone style analog sundial wristwatch with a solid gold gnomon in the shape of a dollar sign, Ron Paul explained: "It is time that the people of the United States take back control of time as intended by the Founding Fathers. Nowhere in the constitution does it say that the government has the right to control the official time that ordinary citizens use in their lives. Just as our currency now is at the mercy of bureaucrats who have no accountability and who somehow do not realize that for money to have any value at all it must be tied to something shiny and immutable, our time is being manipulated first in microsecond increments then boldly in hour so-called 'adjustments'."
Son Rand Paul then pointed out that the statements by so-called "experts" that the recent earthquake in Japan had slowed the Earth's rotation was in fact a prelude to time being "adjusted" once again by the government without a vote by the people. Federal officials who were defensive about the massive time change that occurred this weekend promised that the Lost Hour would be returned (minus interest, of course!!!) in the fall, but skeptics were dubious. "Daylight savings time?" one skeptic huffed derisively. "Where's the savings? Please show me the savings! Where exactly is it??"
"The Naval Observatory is Ground Zero in the hidden agenda to have all time everywhere be officially controlled by the government. In closed door hearings we have heard testimony that the Naval Observatory has been secretly meeting with unidentified representatives of the Royal Observatory in Greenwich, London," the younger Paul elaborated. "The exact nature of those discussions is not clear, but I think it is safe to say there are organizations that would like to control time around the world. But once these hidden federal subsidies of artificial government imposed time are halted, solar time will naturally become the new standard."
The Pauls went on to say that they would introduce legislation that would allow citizens and local governments to employ solar time as the standard time for work hours, business hours, and government office hours. "It is time we move to a standard that cannot be manipulated by time deficit government bureaucrats. The irresponsible actions of the federal government have come home to roost as this weekend officials mandated all clocks be arbitrarily shifted one hour ahead," Ron Paul declared. He pointed out that new technology such as GPS enabled mobile phones will allow people to have access to solar time without interference from the government.
Rand Paul pointed out some specific benefits of solar time. "It makes no sense to have bureaucrats in faraway Washington tell citizens in our local towns and cities what time it is when all we have to do is look up to see what time it is. Using local solar time would free local governments to be come up with innovative solutions to pressing problems. For instance, everyone agrees that our highways are in badly need of repair and workers are spend thousands of hours commuting to work. Federal officials are trying to ram federal tax dollars down our throats to improve these highways, but there are better, less costly solutions. With solar time workers who travel westerly to their places of employment could cut their morning commute time substantially. We need to cut unnecessary federal regulation so we can create this is the kind of innovation that will help us compete in the new global economy."
A spokesperson for Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke issued a statement denouncing the move by the Pauls and said that federal control of time is necessary for the economic health of the country and indeed national sovereignty. Although the spokesperson would not answer any specific questions, she noted "In the Midwest people have been watching prime time TV an hour earlier than the rest of the country for decades." and asked rhetorically "What do Ron and Rand Paul say about that?"
Kichiguy reporting
Agriculture researchers have spliced genes of dairy cows that are critical for lactating into dogs. The results have been several new species of dogs that are capable of producing cows milk in sizable quantities. The dogs look very similar to their non-milk producing cousins except for the substantial udders, although some dogs do develop a black and white mottled pattern similar to that of a Holstein cow.
"Many people would like to have fresh milk each day but are unable to keep a cow either because it is prohibited by zoning laws or they do not need the five to ten gallons of milk produced each day by the typical dairy cow," a spokesperson said. Milk producing dogs will allow even big city apartment dwellers to have fresh milk every day. For families that consume larger quantities of milk, there is the German Shepherd cow dog. For households that only need enough milk for coffee in the morning there is the Mexican Chihuahua cow dog. New breeds are under development such as a dog that produces low fat milk, one that produces chocolate milk, and yet another that will secrete mozzarella cheese.
A private company has been established by the university which will breed and market the dogs. The bovine canines will be made available to consumers in the next few months.
Kichiguy reporting
On the other side of the globe Chinese medical scientists and entomologists claim to have created mosquitoes that produce in their saliva vaccines for several diseases that kill millions of people each year. Vaccines for polio, diphtheria, flu, and smallpox are all being produced by the specially bred mosquito. Clinical trials have shown that the mosquitoes are capable of inoculating people against those diseases, the Chinese said. When a mosquito bites a person, some of the saliva of the mosquito is left in the victim. These specially bred mosquitoes inject vaccine into their targets in sufficient quantities to inoculate the person bitten. The results of the scientists have not been verified by other researchers, but the Chinese expressed confidence that their results would be confirmed soon. The mosquitoes will soon be released into the wild where it is hoped they will flourish and spread to many places of the earth where either medical care unavailable or the population is too poor to afford vaccines. It is ironic that a scourge that has plagued mankind for millennia may deliver health and hope to many suffering people.
Kichiguy reporting
Henry Ford was one of the world's premier industrialist. His revolutionary ideas and manufacturing innovations were instrumental in making America a great and powerful country. He was also a very eccentric man with many contradictions; he was both spiteful and kind, a ruthless competitor and a loving father. He began life as a very poor boy. As a young man he learned engineering in the evening through correspondence courses. He met his wife shortly after she and her family moved from Chevy Chase, Maryland to Detroit, Michigan. He nicknamed her Chevy. Her father was a wealthy man who had made his fortune in the buggy whip manufacturing business. He hated Ford because of his small stature and low economic class.
Ford had several false starts in the business world and it was not until he conceived of the idea of a mass-produced horseless carriage that he found success. The young Ford came upon the idea of manufacturing cars after a particularly cantankerous evening at his in-laws. After being humiliated by hid father-in-law, Ford vowed that he would start a business that would put his father-in-law out of business and in the poor house.
Ford worked long hours designing a new automobile and manufacturing plant. With money from friends he founded the Ford Motor Company. Six months later he had a factory of 10,000 employees building cars at the rate of one every 5 minutes. The car was an instant success and Ford quickly became a very rich man. Henry Ford loved his family and had breakfast every morning with his wife and two sons Edsel and Pinto. Pinto had a medical condition that caused him to experience excessive flatulence. Edsel would often light a match behind the younger Pinto and cry with glee when Pinto would have another episode with flames flying out of his buttocks.
The elder Ford often took his sons to the factory. Sometimes when the union workers would complain about working conditions or say that unreasonable demands were being made of them, Ford would put his children (then ages 8 and 6 years old) on the assembly line making hubcaps or engine blocks. The boys would invariably be dressed in white sailor suits. At the end of a 12 hour shift, their hands dirty but their clothes still white and spotless, they would scamper up to the office where Ford was meeting with union officials and cry out "We love working here, Daddy!! Can we bring our friends here tomorrow?" Invariably the union would agree to any terms Ford demanded.
Ford's biggest rival was a retired military man named Motors who was a hero during the Spanish-American War. He achieved the brevet rank of general during the conflict, but Ford always insisted in calling him "the Colonel". Several smaller car manufacturing companies wanted to consolidate their operations in order to compete with Ford. They asked General Motors to head the new consortium but he would agree only if they would agree to name the company after him. Motors hated Ford and in the first year of the new company, the general started a new division which he named Chevrolet. The advertising campaign slogan "You can own a Chevy today" which incensed Ford. Ford sued Motors in court for slander, but ultimately lost. Chevrolet went on to become the new company's most successful product line.
Neanderthals Domesticated Dinosaurs
Kichiguy reporting
In a paper that will appear in next month's edition of the prestigious Archeology Journal, scientists from the University of Wisconsin reveal findings that show our earliest ancestors may have domesticated dinosaurs. Funded by grants from the US Department of Defense and the British Historical Society, Professors William Worzen and Hans Hardwook-Hooken have been excavating early man archeological sites in the Middle East for many years. In remote caves inaccessible except by wild goats their teams have uncovered startling evidence that early man and dinosaurs not only coexisted but that dinosaurs were an integral part of ancient village life.
From past expeditions the scientists have known that the caves were home to many generations of Neanderthals and later used sporadically by nomadic desert people. But late last year they found shell fragments from very large eggs. Unable to identify the animal that could have laid eggs of such dimension, the team carefully packaged the shell fragments and sent samples to biologists all over the world. No one was able to identify the animal that could have emerged from such a shell, no one until a chance encounter with paleontologist Theodore Martinez of the Museum of Natural History in Brussels. Martinez was attending a soiree hosted by a colleague at the University of Brazil where one of his fellow party goers had been sent one of the eggshell samples. While sipping a margarita Martinez overheard the other scientist talking about the eggshells. The next day Martinez was in the laboratory examining the specimens. He immediately knew what he was looking at: the eggshell of a common dinosaur that paleontologists thought had been extinct many millions of years ago. Other scholars later confirmed his findings and the news electrified the scientific community. The next expedition to the site included several paleontologists. They discovered many different kinds of dinosaur eggshells as well as dinosaur bones. As they dug lower in the abandoned cave they found the most startling artifact: a riding bridle. But this was no ordinary bridle! It measured a full three feet across. The bridle was made of bone and the reins which probably would have been made of leather have long since disappeared. From the size of the bridle the scientists speculate that the reins must have been twenty to thirty feet in length and taken two riders to control them. A third rider might have been necessary to direct the back end of the animal much like the driver in the back of a modern hook and ladder fire truck. In a rare collaboration with archeologists and paleontologists the scientists concluded that the only animal for which the bridle could have been intended was the ferocious T. Rex. Capturing an adult T. Rex was certainly beyond the abilities of Neanderthals, but scientists speculate that primitive people could have stolen the eggs from unprotected dinosaur nests and raised the hatchlings as pets and beasts of burden. When asked to confirm rumors they were in script negotiating sessions with Steven Spielberg who directed the movie "Jurassic Park", Worzen replied with a grin "You betchya!"
Kichiguy reporting
Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) have been making great strides in their battle to keep drunk drivers off the road. And that's a problem claims the radical conservation group Sierra Club. Drunk drivers are a major resource for cleaning up our nation's highways and that resource has been reduced sharply due to the efforts of MADD. In a suit joined by Earth First!, PETA, and the internet provider EarthLink, the Sierra Club is charging MADD with crimes against Nature. Additionally, next month the Sierra Club with begin airing new ads to encourage irresponsible drinking. Reportedly, the crying Indian chief will have a reprise role in the new campaign, this time shown in a drunken stupor shouting the benefits of fire water.
Kichiguy reporting
The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) shocked automobile industry and consumer advocacy groups today with the announcement that recently available statistics show unequivocally that more people are injured and killed putting on seat belts than are helped by wearing them. As surprising as the information is, officials explained that many drivers put on their seat belts while the vehicle is moving --- sometimes because they forget to put them on before they begin moving and sometimes to avoid being caught by law enforcement officers. The result can be a vehicle out of control and mayhem.
Several state legislatures are considering legislation to repeal seat belt laws and in fact may enact laws expressly forbidding their use. At the federal level, the NTSB is recommending recalling all cars with seat belts so they can be removed. At a press conference flanked by the CEOs of all the major automobile manufacturers as well as the president of Consumers Union, Joe Cunningham, head of the NTSB said with emotion in his voice "This is really necessary for a safer America. We have put our families and children at risk and we must act decisively and quickly."